Buying a House with IBC: Dealing with Disappointment

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I found a house! (Don’t get too excited. Based on the title of this post, you can see where this is headed.)

About a week ago, I was feeling a bit frustrated with the house hunting process. Not only is the market slow at the moment, but it seemed as though most of the places I’d seen were (in my opinion) hot-mess houses at crazy prices. For those of you who asked for links, here is an example. This home, listed at $575K, needs a ton of love. It shows okay online, but it has a laundry list of issues, including an oddly shaped kitchen, mismatched styles, cracked walls, grimy interior, and a troubling backyard, The funny part is, this house was under contract in less than two weeks. And I suppose it makes sense. If your budget is $775K, you could certainly make this into a show-stopper.

This is another home I looked at just down the street. I liked the first level, but the second floor was cramped. The house also had a shared driveway, which I had at my St. Marys house and want to avoid. In addition, this home lacked a “proper front door/porch.”

Feeling bummed about the houses I’d been seeing, I decided to look outside the areas I was currently searching. Almost like a beam of light from the heavens, I found “the one.” My awesome realtor quickly scheduled a showing for the following day.

During the first visit, I was a bit disappointed. (As I mentioned in my last post, be prepared for the home to look different in person than it does online.) While the home wasn’t as magical as I had hoped, I still had this gut feeling that there was great potential. My mind went into overdrive.

I took a couple days to think about it. I even went back by myself and walked around the neighborhood to get a feel for the area. Since I hadn’t been looking there initially, I wanted to make sure I felt comfortable in the neighborhood. As I strolled around, I encountered other folks, and in general, they were super friendly. (Full disclosure: I had had dental work done earlier in the day and 90% of the time I wasn’t sure if I was smiling at them or just drooling. I may have looked like a lunatic, but still, they said hello.)

I scheduled a second showing with my realtor and this time around had a much better feeling about some of the home’s issues. I am aware that no home is or will be perfect. So looking at the troublesome areas with new eyes, I realized they were all things that I could fix, and that ultimately, they would help make the house my home.

I decided to put in an offer.

Considering the issues with the home (possible basement water problem, significant leaks in garage roof, terrible paint job on the second and third floor, possible issue with the A/C unit and heating and cooling on the third floor, dented and rusty appliances (though advertised as new), no kitchen ventilation, a crumbling back patio, etc.), I went in with a lower but reasonable offer. (A bit of background: This home was bought about two years ago as an investment property. It was completely remodeled, but in my opinion, attention was not given to the finishing details. However, the home did have all new plumbing, electric, and HVAC.)

The seller was interested in working together, so they counteroffered. I met them halfway with another counteroffer. They came back and asked for a quicker closing date and the contingency of me closing on my other home removed. As you can tell, it was a lot of back and forth between our realtors and my lender. However, at the end of the day, I had a verbal agreement with the seller on all the terms. Wahoo! A contract was drawn up, I signed, and it was sent to the seller to sign.

Of course, at this point, I was feeling pretty excited. While I didn’t put pen to paper and start planning projects, my mind was swirling with designs and other ideas. I know there are many roadblocks that can come with buying a house, so I also had to make sure I was comfortable dealing with some of the details I didn’t like and wanted to change. I didn’t want to get attached, but I had started to think how I could make sure the home would work for me. It’s a major catch-22 I suppose. Although I didn’t want it to happen, I was getting attached.

After the seller had had the contract for over 24 hours, my gut told me that something was up. However, I stayed as hopeful as I could. Early the next morning my realtor texted me, “I know it’s early, but is now a good time for a call?” My heart sank to my toes. I knew this wasn’t going to be good.

Despite the verbal agreement, an “unexpected” offer came to the table, and since it was above the asking price, the seller accepted*.

I was crushed.

I’m kind of a sensitive person, and I cried. I lost hope. I was also angry. My realtor told me this was “a worst-case scenario.” Unfortunately, the listing agent didn’t give me a chance to submit my best offer. To me, the whole process felt very sneaky and shady. I felt like they used my offer to leverage something better. At the end of the day, this seller was all about the money. Luck or fate simply wasn’t on my side.

I was and still am feeling frustrated about the market. I don’t understand how a home, especially one with “issues,” could sell above asking price. Maybe I’m naïve. Maybe I don’t understand the market. Maybe this was just a “lesson learned.”


Tips and Tricks for Buying a House: In this post, learn ideas for Dealing with Disappointment.

Flash forward 48 hours. The dust has settled a bit. While I’m still perplexed by the experience, I realize that that house just wasn’t meant to be. I’m not sharing all of this with you for your sympathy. (Though your kind words, thoughts, and prayers are ALWAYS greatly appreciated.) I truly understand what’s happened is all part of the process. I’m sharing it because it’s somewhat cathartic for me. Plus, the goal of this series is to take you along on this journey, good or bad. It’s my hope that reading about my experience will help you. If this (or a similar situation) happens to you, you’ll be better prepared than I was. So, here’s what I learned.

Buying a House with IBC: Dealing with Disappointment

Keep Your Hopes in Check

Honestly, I have no idea how to do this. The advice has been to trust your gut, and you’ll know when you find “the one.” It’s a challenge to do that and not become attached to a house. One solution is to have a lot of distractions during the process. Plan fun things to do and look forward to. Don’t pause your life or change your routine. Even if you’ve found a house that you think is going to work, continue searching, continue to be open to other listings. Also, continue to plan your life as it is. Don’t schedule things based on buying this particular house or cancel scheduled plans because “this could work out.”

Be Patient

Of all the virtues, this is one I’m probably most lacking. I’m not sure how to build your patience muscle, but you’ll need a strong one. I want immediate answers and results, and that just doesn’t happen. Chances are the buyer and seller are both working with a realtor, so it takes a lot of time and back-and-forth to communicate.

My suggestion for this is the same one I recommend for avoiding attachment. Keep yourself distracted. Keep living your life. Go to the movies, go out to dinner, watch your favorite show. It’s rather pointless to keep checking your email every five minutes for updates. As they say, a watched pot never boils. Constantly focusing on house hunting or the offer you’ve made will do you no good. In fact, it’s probably counterproductive because if it all falls apart, you don’t want everything falling down with it. Let hunting for a home only be a tiny part of your life; avoid making it your whole existence.

Find Someone to Talk To

This is super important. Chances are you have a few people in your life who you can chat with about your house hunting. Be open. If you’re excited about a particular house, let them know. That way if it works out they will be the ones there with a bottle of champagne to celebrate. Or if it doesn’t work out, they’ll be there to support you because they knew how excited you were. Also, when you are bummed or disappointed, talk it out. It truly helps.

There’s another important point I want to make here. While you may have great friends or family, some of them may not be the people you want to chat with about this process. Find the person who can keep YOUR best interests in mind. Find the person who isn’t going to let jealousy cloud their opinions of what YOU should do. Find the person who is positive and excited for you, but is also realistic and honest. It’s easy to want to share exciting news, but think about what will happen if that exciting news falls apart. Who are you going to be glad you told and who are you going to regret telling?

Avoid Planning

While you certainly want to be able to see yourself in your new home, avoid any planning on a particular home. Until you know with 100% certainty that a home will be yours, avoid starting a Pinterest board for decorating and design ideas. Do not search out landscapers or someone to fix the crumbling patio. Do not start selling your furniture that won’t match the new space. Don’t drive by the house every day on your way to work. Don’t plan where the garden will be. Don’t make a list of projects. I could go one, but you get the idea.

Yes, you should totally think about what you want in your dream home (as I talked about in the first post of this series), but avoid specifics when you think you’ve found “the one.” Keep your ideas general and be open to any home.

Fasten Your Seatbelt

Maybe your home buying process will be effortless. However, be prepared for a rollercoaster ride. First, buckle your seatbelt and expect lots of highs and lows. Chances are you’re going to want to throw up a few times. Be prepared.
Secondly, try to enjoy the ride. While tedious and stressful, house hunting can be lots of fun. This process has reminded me how much I love design and dreaming up spaces. I’ve basically redesigned and redecorated every home I went into, and it’s been a joy. It’s also made me realize how much I’m looking forward to getting back into a house and doing more of the things I love.

Again, although this past week was a downer and a big lesson for me, I’m doing okay now. I am also confident that eventually, I will find the perfect place for me.

*I’ve opted to not share the link to this particular house. I don’t want you to fall in love with it like I did. Maybe when more time has passed, I’ll be inclined to share. Thanks for understanding!

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45 Comments

  1. Sorry to hear your troubles,,,our niece bought a Craftsman in need of work in Brighton Heights, loves the neighborhood, close to town, walkable to coffee shops and restaurants…good luck!

  2. I totally get this feeling. Buying a home is such an emotional roller coaster. When we moved to Tulsa we found the perfect home for us. We spent an hour there with the kids. I had a complete vision for the downstairs (pretty sure it was inspired by your home). Our realtor called their realtor while we were there to tell them he’d have an offer for them. Then while we were at dinner our realtor called us to say their realtor has called back to say an offer had already been accepted, even before we looked at the home. We were so upset. My youngest son cried do. Their realtor encourage do us to make an offer anyway, but we did not want to play that game. In the end, we found another home that wasn’t brand new. It was completely different. But my kids met lifelong best friends in that neighborhood. That may not have happened if we had been in the other home. So, it just wasn’t meant to be. I’m thankful we had the experience and that we ended up in the home we did. Keep your head up and you will find the right home for you.

  3. I am so sorry you got attached to your future home. I know how that feels. You have probably gotten several recommendations of areas to look, but we lived in Ben Avon on Brighton Street for one year and it was hands down the best neighborhood we have ever lived in. And that is saying a lot, because we have lived all over the world courtesy of the Air Force. I don’t know if you have looked in that area or if there is anything available, but just wanted to pass that along. Your perfect house is out there, just waiting so don’t give up.

    1. It’s so funny you say that. That’s actually where that house was. Whomp. Whomp. Haha. But yes, I wasn’t aware of that area previously, but it’s on my list now. Thanks!

      xo Michael

  4. It’s always these ‘authentic’ posts you open up to give that capture me…I relate to real emotions (good, bad, and ugly) when they are yours and you share them it’s always more powerful! Now, do trust as frustrating as this has been…trust your gut…and you’re prolly right…they prolly did use your offer to leverage someone else. We recently put our house ON the market…and we had two offers…but the 2nd offer given was SMART. They put in their offer that they’d go up $1000 above any (legit with approved financing) counter offers! This could have been GREAT for us…but our first offer had given their best….but $1000 bucks was worth taking the second offer…. SO, keep that nugget in mind when you put your next offer in! I thought it was very smart/experienced of their realtor! WHY NOT BUILD? There isn’t SHIT on the market around my neck of the woods (and a front porch is EVERRRYTHING…and an OPEN space!) so we decided to build….it’s kind of a shit show since we’re apartment bound driving three kids to schools in am and picking up in the pm….but WE GOT THIS! Loves to you!

  5. Sounds like you dodged a bullet. My daughter and husband are having the closing for their future home next week. Actually bought the first house they looked at. Not sure I could haven taken months of her being upset! But it was good for them and I’m sure yours will be just “around the corner” and you’ll forget this house altogether. The Pittsburgh area has always had a slow winter market which will soon be opening up. Good luck! The perfect house is waiting for you to find her.

  6. You have given yourself the best advice 😉 and whatever you do, don’t “settle”. It will all work out when you least expect it! Lovin’ the journey with you!

  7. Who wants to “win” the house if it’s a money pit? You went in with YOUR best offer so I would take this as a huge sign that it was not meant to be. There is always another house. I live in your area and it is early March– additional houses will be going on the market everyday. Keep the faith!

  8. I’m sorry it didn’t work out Michael. I flew back to GA from the UK last May for five days to look and put in an offer on a house for our family (military) and it was a ton of pressure. I looked at 10 houses the first day and none were right…it was really stressful. The first house I looked at the second day turned out to be “the one,” not exactly what I had pictured in my head originally but it was a blessing! I know the hunt can be hard but I’ve always found that when we see one door close it’s because something better is around the corner. I know whatever you buy you’ll make fantastic!

  9. Oh, Michael, I know how you feel. That exact same thing happened to my husband and I twice. Both times we put offers in on a piece of property, only to find out both times the sellers had a secret agreement already in place with their neighbors to beat an offer, if one came in. The second time it happened, our realtor said something to the seller’s realtor, and he admitted he knew and felt funny about it, but still did it. We were used both times as bait. We ended up buying an existing house and not building our home that we really wanted because it was so deflating. My kids love the neighborhood though and have made good friends, so it was meant to be this way, I guess. So don’t you give up! You will find it! Even though you don’t know it now, this may have happened for a reason.

  10. UGH!!! How frustrating! But I truly believe things happen for a reason. You never know – this house may have been a real nightmare had the deal gone through. I know in my heart that your perfect home is out there just waiting for you.

  11. I can’t tell you how much I enjoy reading your posts. It’s written in a down to earth tone that is so enjoyable to read, and your photographs are stunning. I am well beyond the age where I should know a lot, but I always continue to learn learn through your experience and wisdom. Best of luck and keep up the good work!

  12. Buying a home these days is hard. Besides the endless paperwork once the deal is done (something I wasn’t prepared for at all), there are scenarios like what you’ve encountered. I suffered from having every home I put an offer on being outbid with all cash offers. I couldn’t compete with that. That was over three years ago. I did eventually score a really nice home in an area that I hadn’t considered. It’s in a retirement community and I think that was the only reason I was able to get it—less competition from families. I did not make a cash offer (lol), but did offer asking price, which was accepted. Good luck to you. I hope you find the home of your dreams!

  13. I am so sorry….but be careful of “flips” sometimes do shoddy work. I would also suggest having any property looked at by a home inspector. Their findings will give you piece of mind ,make you aware of any issues you cannot “se” and give you leverage on the price.

    Hang in there….you will find the perfect place and be thankful that these other options fell through.

    1. Yes. Thank you! Thankfully my Realtor is working on some investment properties as well, so I trust her judgement. And yes, a home inspection is a MUST.

      Thanks so much for sharing – great points!

      xo Michael

  14. I cannot get over the housing prices in your area!

    Prices have shot through the roof in Oregon, but I’m always surprised by how much more they run in other areas of the country, and how inexpensively in others. lol

  15. I’m so sorry. I know how you feel though. Several years back, when my husband and I were looking for a new house, we found ‘the one’. We put in an offer, went back and forth with the owners as you did, our offer was accepted, but then, out of nowhere, someone else came along and made a slightly better offer, and ours was thrown out. No contact. It just sold out from underneath us.

    We were so discouraged, upset, and angry.

    Our realtor (a family friend) kept telling us that it wasn’t ‘the house’ since things had gone down the way they did, and that it wasn’t meant to be. There is some truth in that, and chances are, something better will eventually come along. Our house hunting has never gone particularly smoothly. During our last process, we lost many a house because we couldn’t sell the one we were in (too many new homes were being built in the same area, and no one wanted a four year old home). But eventually, something DID come along. Patience, definitely something needed when house hunting.

  16. I completely understand the frustration! I had a similar situation last summer, a beautiful, perfect home. We made 2 offers. Both were declined, then the house was taken off market! It wasn’t sold, just taken off the market. A few weeks later though, we found our dream home. It’s all in due time <3 Keep taking care of you.

    1. Thank you. I’ve been hearing this over and over again. Something terrible happens and then folks find their home shortly after. Maybe it’s just part of the journey. I’ll be keeping my fingers and toes crossed! Thanks!

      xo Michael

  17. Ugh! I hate when that happens! Perhaps you would have found a huge unexpected mess if you had bought it. We are looking for our forever home and would like a ranch style house. Every time I find what I am looking for, it’s under contract before I can text my husband. Or the taxes are unbelievable. Or it’s in a flood plain. We’ll get there eventually and so will you. And drooling?! Lol

  18. I am so sorry you had to deal with such a $hit show, friend! I would have totally cried, too. BUT! I am a firm believer in everything working out as it should, so I really do believe it only means a better house is out there for you. Our house kind of found us (when we weren’t even planning to buy and I was home with a newborn stalking real estate listings for fun) and we totally lucked out, but the process wasn’t very simple. It took almost four months to close because there was so much back and forth. At several points Bob wanted to walk, which made it even more emotional for me, but I knew it was our house and I persisted. Best decision I ever made was to stick it out those super stressful months! Your house will find you and it will be amazing, and I can’t wait to see it!

  19. Oof, I’m so sorry! How disappointing! We’ve encountered more problems as sellers than as buyers, so disappointment can happen on all sides of the real estate process. Years ago we were selling our first house and immediately received a full price offer with favorable terms from a NYC psychotherapist. He put down a deposit, we all signed contracts, and then he told us that his father was loaning him the money for the remainder of the purchase price. We waited and waited, no inspections were scheduled, nothing else seemed to be happening, and we waited some more. In the end he pulled out of the deal (and forfeited his deposit). We found out through our real estate agent that he was using the purported purchase of a house to get the cash from his father, but never intended to go through with the sale. A month later I happened to see him as a guest on the Phil Donahue show talking about his new book. That was enraging! After the dust settled we did eventually, months later, sell the house, but it was no longer the prime selling season and we accepted a below market offer . We found one more gift from that guy when we tried to close and it turned out he had started the title inspection process and his name was listed as the buyer, almost screwing up our eventual deal and costing us more money and time to fix.

    You will find your house, it’s out there waiting for the right moment. Hang in there!

  20. Awww I know exactly how you feel, this type of thing happened to us when we were looking. Not the exact same scenario with a verbal contract but less than perfect houses selling out from under us, and our offers being used to solicit higher offers out of others. Bidding wars, disappointment, tears, being overwhelmed, frustrated, and a few moments of crying out WHY??? (in a very Street Car Named Desire, Stella-esque way.) Not to mention the case of the disappearing realtor after the contract was signed by both parties. Which is exactly why this post is so great, for people trying to buy. 90 percent of the time it doesn’t go smoothly, and this is real life. Knowing this happens, and how to help deal with it is invaluable. I’m so sorry you are going through this, know you are not alone, and I KNOW this post will help lots of people, even if the journey to this post sucked for you. Hugs!

    1. Yes! This. Totally. I think television makes the process look so effortless. In life you’re not given three potential houses within your budget that could all be perfect PLUS a designer to fix all the things you don’t like. 😉

      Again, I am having as much fun as I can with the process, and this isn’t meant to be a downer post, just advice to put some perspective on the potential reality of the process. Thanks so much for understanding.

      xo Michael