Yesterday I noticed that my local Walmart no longer carries sun-dried tomatoes. Instead they now have a 5 x 5′ section dedicated to one brand of boxed macaroni and cheese. I tell you this for two reasons. First, I love sun-dried tomatoes, especially the ones packed in oil. (Extra healthful, right?) Secondly, the absence of sun-dried tomatoes at my local Walmart* seems to be a sign from the Universe. Let me explain.
*For anyone who doesn’t know, Walmart is my only option for food shopping unless I want to drive 45 minutes to the closest stand-alone grocery store.
Last week, I started writing this same post. At the time, I titled it “The Secret.” Not that I was revealing a secret, but in reference to the book The Secret, as in if you put it something out there, it comes (back) to you.
If you’ve followed IBC for some time (I’ve been doing this for 8 years now!), you know that every year around this time I write a post about bettering my life. Yet, year after year, I find myself in the same predicament. Over the past year, I’ve decided not to get super personal here on IBC because I felt no one needed to hear all that “stuff,” and besides, it wasn’t professional. (I even created Behind the Charm to share more personal things, but that hasn’t worked.)
I don’t want this post to be sad, so I’m going to keep the explanation to a few short sentences. In a nutshell, 2016 was an awful year for me personally. Through the IBC/work lens it was a wonderfully successful year with lots of amazing opportunities, trips, magazine features, etc. However “behind the charm,” I’ve been pretty miserable. In short, I’m lonely, often unmotivated, and carrying a couple extra pounds. I’ve also somehow managed to lose most of my friends. I could go on, but you get it.
I do love my job and am so grateful for the success I’ve had while getting to create day in and day out. I often find it hard to complain when, if you look at my life on the outside, it seems to be magical.
So, you’re probably wondering what all of this has to do with sun-dried tomatoes and why I’m writing about it here. I need your help and opinions. My question is this: With “nothing” left for me here in St. Mary’s, is it time for me to move?
Before you can answer, a few things to consider.
First, I love my home, but I’m not attached to it. It’s not in an ideal location, plus I’d like a bigger yard, etc.
Secondly, as I’ve mentioned before, my plan has been to buy my grandparents’ house when the time comes. My grandfather passed about two years ago and my grandma still lives there. Naturally, I want her to live forever, but as a result, that puts me in limbo.
Also, Is buying a house in an area that seemingly has little to offer me (e.g., no relationships, no friends, no sun-dried tomatoes) the best decision?
Another plan I’ve had is to purchase my grandparents’ home when the time comes, but also rent or buy a little condo near the beach so I can have the best of both worlds.
And if I do decide to leave St. Marys, how do I even begin to choose where to live? Given my job, the world is my oyster. However, what if I move, and I’m more lost and lonely than I am now?
As you can see, I’m confused. I also need to consider my two cats. I can’t just abandon them for half of the year if having two residences would be the best option. I also have no intention of getting rid of them. They are part of my life until they pass to Kitty Heaven.
Also, St. Marys is home. Being close to my family is a gift that I treasure. However, lately I feel like I have just a supporting role in their lives rather than a life of my own.
And speaking of a life of my own, I haven’t dated in years. It doesn’t help that I’m a bit of an introvert, but a guy trying to meet a guy in small town America is kind of tricky. Many young people want out of this place the day after they graduate. This has been a big issue for me because year after year, I want nothing more than to spend my life with someone.
So, in a nutshell, that’s my situation. (Also, I should mention I am chatting with someone about all of this “stuff” in trying to work things out. I’m not making any major life decisions tomorrow, I’m just getting the ball rolling.)
I decided to write this post in an attempt to open the doors. Maybe you have some thoughts or helpful suggestions? Maybe you’ve been through a similar situation? Maybe you know the “perfect” place where I should put down roots? Maybe you have an adorable condo for sale on the beach? Maybe you have a pool house I can rent for part of the year? Maybe you have a cute cousin I should meet? Or maybe you just have a can of sun-dried tomatoes I can buy?
I realize I have a lot of work to do on my own. Ultimately this is my life, and I’m the one driving the bus. I get it. However, in this particular instance, I wouldn’t mind a few backseat drivers.
As always, thank you very much in advance. Even if you have no advice to offer, I appreciate your kind thoughts and continued support of IBC.
Hey there, Michael. I read this blog post on my phone the other day and have been thinking of you ever since. I’ve followed your blog for several years now, and I’ve known of your personal struggles here and there. I just want to tell you that you are doing an amazing job! I want you to know that you are worthy of love and a wonderful life. The beauty you create in your home and that you share on this blog are a reflection of your beautiful soul. It looks like you’ve received a lot of great advice here in the comments, so I’ll add my two-cents worth. :o) As a longtime yoga practitioner and now, yoga teacher, I’m going to suggest yoga for you. i’m not sure what the availability of yoga classes are in your community, but I think it would be life changing for you to get yourself to a yoga studio and practice in that setting. Yoga will take you on an inward journey to remember your self-worth and divine purpose. Also, move to Arizona! Lol. Or someplace sunny! You are young and capable! A serious change of scenery would be amazing for you – seriously push you out of your comfort zone. And, what the heck? You can always go back if you choose. You have unlimited options and opportunities! You are loved and you are worthy of that love! There are brighter days ahead…don’t be afraid! Shake things up and make some major changes! And keep smiling! xo
Michael, maybe you could approach your life like a whole house redo. You wouldn’t tackle the whole house at once, you would make a plan and work on the most important room first (relationship, location, etc). Like decorating, life is sometimes trial and error and the parts that were the most difficult turn out to be the best.
Hi Michael, I can totally relate to your predicament…because I was in the same boat a few years ago (and we only live a couple hours apart!!) It sounds to me like you have lots of soul searching to do before you make any huge leaps. (BTWs – I read “The Secret” about 10 years ago on the recommendation of a friend of mine and even went so far as to make a vision board. I ran across that vision board last year and its amazing how much of it came true). I hope that you find the answers that you are looking for – I for one love your blog and ideas (dessert tonight is courtesy of YOU!) Good Luck and chin up – you’ll figure this out!
Grow you’re own tomatoes and then dehydrate them yourself! They taste amazing in stir fry’s and sauces and it is so rewarding do it all from the dirt up! 🙂 As we all get on with age I can only tell you that if it doesn’t make me happy I’m not doing it so stop waiting around for everyone and everything to happen, and do what is going to bring YOU happyness!
You need fun! Give Miami a try then visit home 4 times a year and stay with Grandma.
I want to tell you two stories from the perspective of two people who have felt the way you are feeling. The first is for inspiration/motivation, and the second is for ideas. Story #1: My husband was in a predicament not unlike your own approximately nine years ago. He was single and living in a place that was not adequately feeding his soul or his interests, and given the disconnect he had with the larger culture of the area, he was having a very difficult time meeting someone with whom he could connect on a deeper level. After years of talking about moving and not doing it, he finally uprooted his whole life and moved to Brooklyn with a very thin safety net. Three months later, he met me at a housewarming party in Harlem. Three months after that, we were happily living together in Chelsea. He was also much more fulfilled by his new job, and we were constantly doing things he loved to do that were difficult to make happen in his old city. We’ve now been married for 7 years and are living in Brooklyn with our two children. Making the leap was scary but ended up transforming his life. It meant leaving behind his mother, with whom he is close, and his comfort zone, but it was worth it in the end. With that said, NYC is a VERY expensive place to live and not without its own problems. No place is perfect, but not all problems are equal. Maybe you are ready for a NEW set of problems in a place that helps you shed some of your larger existential struggles. It worked for him and may work for you. I say go for it. DO IT. But, not without a plan….
Which leads me to my second anecdote. The second story I want to share is my own, and this is more to provide some logistics for pursuing a move/finding your spot. There was a period in my own life when I was feeling in a rut after a bad breakup and a career shift that I was uncertain about, and I felt that some of my struggles stemmed from the place I was living. Similarly, there was no particular obvious place for me to move, and I didn’t want go somewhere only to discover that I was miserable there. So, here is what I did, and I encourage you to try it (because it was also a ton of fun and really good for me in other ways): I made a plan to travel to a series of cities that had interested me and to experience them not as a tourist but as a resident might. Air B-n-B could be your friend here. I stayed in affordable, residential neighborhoods that appealed to me (after much research) and wandered around. I did things I thought I might do if I actually lived there. To figure out the destinations, I asked myself what I thought was most important for feeding my soul and personal well-being. From those answers, I made a list of places that fulfilled a priority set of criteria for me, and I explored them one by one. This process helped me quickly eliminate some places that I had thought were front-runners and carried so many amazing surprises/cultivated so many new connections and friendships. Here was the twist: It gave me a whole new appreciation for where I lived, and it made me realize that the change I needed was in my job, my self-care, and my approach to living/personal relationships. I ended up staying and meeting my husband as a result. But, the process was a good one and led me down a surprising path to happiness.
A somewhat random-seeming destination to throw on your radar: Woodbury, NY (in Nassau County, Long Island). Stay with me….It is well known for being at the epicenter of a very strong LGBTQ community, and its a quick hope to all the culture and creativity of NYC while offering a small town vibe and equally easy access to a ton of beaches (including the Hamptons). The houses are also adorable and affordable. The Long Island LGBTQ Center there offers a great connecting point and way to become integrated into the fabric of a place in which you have no existing familial connections or friendships. Just an outsider’s suggestion to add to your list.
Michael, you are obviously so talented and gifted. I enjoy your emails so much. You are very creative and I always love the beautiful pictures that you include. I’m so sorry that you are feeling so lonely and unsatisfied. God has given you some great talents. Please talk to Him and ask Him for direction and I believe that He will guide you in making good decisions for your life.
Hi, I’m sorry to hear that you are sad. The one thing you should realize that the only person who can make you happy is staring at you in the mirror. The another thing I noticed is all the long posts in response to your post. Obviously there are a lot of people that feel a connection to you from your posts that might not live anywhere near you. I think that says a lot. Your blog gives you the option to move where ever you too. I moved with my husband 200 miles away from where we grew up and lived for 40 years. Granted we had each other but we moved to a town where we didn’t know anyone and worked in an office where we didn’t know anyone. My parents lived an hour away and my husband’s lived 4 hrs away. It was tough for a while but 16 years later we finally realized that we have done things we probably would have never done if we didn’t move. If you want to live near the beach, research a place you would like to live and try it. You can always move back if it doesn’t work out. You can always be touch with your family by phone,Skype, etc. Your cats will get used to new surroundings, ours did. You only live once so you have to take a chance now and then. Good luck! We’re all cheering for you! ♡
Hi Michael! I have followed your blog for years and have found it very inspiration. I appreciate knowing more about you, it’s important to be known and to be seen. I echo what many have already said, moving somewhere warm and vibrant would have a helluva impact on your wellbeing. It’s important enough to try. What if you tried out another city by renting a home for week or month? Bring your cats and set a new course. It might give you the perspective you need and connect you with other young creatives. We all need community, I know that for certain! Good luck on your journey!
There is so much great advice above but I wanted to add something because I really loved your post and how heartfelt it was (as a sidenote, this is why I love blogs – not for the ‘perfection’ but that there is a real person behind it all who struggles sometimes just like the rest of us.). The best thing I ever read was, ‘If you don’t like where you are, move. You are not a tree.’ 😉 There is a whole world of opportunity and change out there. I moved from a small town in PA myself (although the other side, the Poconos) a long time ago because I knew I wouldn’t find my happiness there – tiny towns have few options and it can get disheartening. It took a few moves to find the spot I finally settled and it ended up being England of all places. But in between, I had amazing experiences, met some fantastic people and completely took myself out of my comfort zone. I completely agree with the idea of possibly renting out your home for a while to give you options or renting in a new city. City living is SO different from country living but you have to force yourself out the door, build connections, make friends, find activities outside of your home. I can’t suggest where you can live but living near an airport is a good one (I currently live 15 min away from Manchester Airport and while I’m not thrilled to be in a flight path, I love that I can get on a plane without much hassle). I keep in touch with my family via Skype, Whatsapp, Facebook, etc. It’s actually not that bad, even though I’m currently living thousands of miles away! Technology can be great 😉 I think it’s time for you to just get out and explore, even if it’s just for a year or two until you make a decision. I only wish you all the best – you seem like such a lovely person. xxx
There’s a lot of wisdom and a lot of love in these comments for you to digest. You have many people who care about you and so many options to choose from:
You can rent out your current house or sell it. You can rent an apartment/house or buy one in a larger city. You can move within a couple of hours from your family, for starters, and move further later or go for it and follow the sun! With modern technology, you can still stay close to your family wherever you are.
Make a list of things that you want in a city and do your research. Find the best fits, and visit. Pay special attention to places that have classes you can take, social activities that you enjoy, and a place more open to your lifestyle. You will bloom wherever you plant yourself because you are ready for a new environment and new challenges.
It sounds to me like you have already, however sub-consciously, made the decision to move. A small town setting can be so stifling and stagnation breeds discontent. Being unhappy can also affect your chances of meeting “the one”.
We’re all rooting for you, Michael. Hopefully, next year (or sooner!), we’ll be reading a post about “How Sun-dried Tomatoes Changed My Life”!
Hi Michael: I’ve been reading your blog for several years and every year I notice an underlying theme of discontent. Before I became a blogger, I was a mental health therapist for over a decade. I applaud you in your search for answers. When I was in a similar situation in 2008, I moved from Florida to Richmond, VA. It was the best decision I ever made. My health improved as did my attitude. Once my attitude improved, I started meeting really great, like-minded people. Maybe you need a temporary change of pace to re-evaluate? I’m very partial to Richmond because there’s so much to do and the mountains are a 90-minute drive away. The beach is a 90-minute drive and we have a major airport. The people are very welcoming and every store you could ever want is here. Maybe, make a list of people’s suggestions and plan a few road trips? Check the places out. A rental in a different town might be just what you need. P.S. Introverts rock. Just sayin’
As an older blogger and the mom of two young adults…and someone who enjoys your immense creativity- I would just tell you that the years fly by in a blink. They really do! Go for it and spread your wings beyond that safety net, because in the end we don’t regret what we’ve done, but what we haven’t done.
Buy a vintage camper, restore it and hit the road! Become a part of the “glamping” (glamorous camping). Who knows who God will put in your path. He has a good plan for your life. Lean in!
S
Thank you for your heartfelt post. I don’t have any advice about where to move to but, I just think that a person who is thrilled reading your post, trying your recipes, and loving your decor should be as happy as you make me. I used to tell myself as I was raising my children when a certain stage in their life would be trying that I could handle anything (within reason) for a year. I say rent your house out and try living somewhere for a year. If that place does not bring you what you desire then try another year in another location. I guess we sometimes bring our issues with us wherever we go but it sounds life you need to have more opportunities to meet friends and lovers.
My only suggestion is that since this is your hometown and you are stuck in a rut there, I think a change of scenery is called for. Go somewhere new and different….and larger population…so you can be a new you. This doesn’t mean changing, just starting over and being who you want to be when meeting new people. And definitely try the online thing. Both my son and his wife and her brother and his husband met online…one couple in Denver and one in NYC. It seems to be a good option, especially for those people who are not into the party scene.
And anywhere with a “real” grocery store has got to be better 🙂
But whatever you do, we will be here cheering you on ! Hugs!
So touched to read such a heartfelt blog entry… most of us sure know how you are feeling, at certain points in our lives. And being a mom, I just want to hug you and say it will all make sense one day..life changes are just a part of living and there will be many of them. Not always easy. I get it.
But what a coincidence that this sounds just like my daughter’s story in the past year, many paralells. So she confronted one of her biggest fears..to leave our home in upstate NY, in December, secure a nursing job and move to Center City area in Philly. My son went to college there and her frequent visits made it a more comfortable choice since she kind of ” knew” the area, tho she only knows one aquaintance of her brother, from when he lived there.
We told her to go, give it a try, and if it doesnt work out, come back home! This way she will never have the regret in later years that she never experienced living the “city life” and on her own.
It’s been a transition, she was extremely nervous as the move day came closer, and still can feel lonely, with many days coming to her apartment exhausted after a long work day, having to be an adult, lol.. cooking shopping cleaning etc for herself, but I think she feels that she overcame one of her fears of taking the plunge and doing this (Actually I love that area she lives in myself!)
You have alot of good advice and opinions posted in the comments. Hopefully some of them may speak to your heart.
You want me to check my Walmart for the brand of sundried tomatoes? I will send them to you! ❤
Thank you for being so open and honest. I have now lived in suburban and rural areas, east coast and west coast. I think one thing that has surprised me is that in the rural area in which I now live, I have met more gay guys than I did before. It seems that upstate New York may have something to offer you. Have you ever thought of running a bed and breakfast? If so, I know a couple that may be available. Loneliness is a tough road, but things will change if you get out there. Best wishes…
Thanks for sharing. I’ll chime in and say you only live once and take the risk. I’m from NJ and left in ’03 for SC, then FL –wanted predictable weather so I headed out to AZ and LOVED IT…no humidity, no winter, no bugs and great hiking ! I ended up back in FL because of the weather and low cost of living. Pick a place that has a a small city, I read philly above, Princeton right over the bridge in very nice…New Hope in bucks county in very liberal and gay friendly and you will still be near your family. IF you’re thinking furter south, n.carolina is hip and liberal in the Triangle area, Raleigh, Durham, Chapel Hill . Check out meetup.com to meet folks. Good luck to wonderful you.
Hi, Michael! Love your blog, your recipes, the photography, etc.
Probably others have shared how they made a new start. I hope my words can be encouraging, too. When I was almost 70, after living all my life on the West Coast (CA), I visited a friend in North Carolina. I had never thought of moving anywhere else, but within three months I had reduced a lifetime of hoarded treasures to 2 containers and moved across country. The move itself was so smooth I guessed it was “meant to be.” I am meeting lots of new friends, mostly due to the political issues of the day and getting involved in resistance measures.
I hope you will find a path to your solution. Love your decorating ideas and photography. Hope life opens up for you soon!